4.30.2005

A man with two swords and butterfly wings

It was pouring this morning. "Bubbly rain" as i used to call it when i was little, because of the the bubbles that the drops form as they hit the ground. But as we opened our eyes this morning, Copo and I still decided to go on our regular Saturday morning walk. Our place is right at the bottom of an enormous hill and we usually start our walk by climbing it. That's not an easy undertaking, i tell you, but it really makes you feel like you get your exercise in just those 10 min of huffin' and puffin'. We put on our rain jackets and even our hoods, but i still felt like we were walking in one huge shower stall.

At the end of our walk we usually stop by this little pagoda with a big Japanese cast iron bell hanging in it. We do some excercises that would probably look like dancing to most of you and ring the bell for luck. Today, however, we were in for a surprise. As we approached the pagoda, something made us slow our pace. It was the sight of a man in a black leather trenchcoat holding a Japanese samurai sword in each hand, posing for a photograph. He was African-American and so was his photographer. The swords looked ligit and not like some silly prop. We stopped far enough to be able to watch freely and started stretching.

"Look, somebody forgot their butterfly wings," said Copo tilting his head in the direction of the bright purple butterfly wings laying on the grass by the pagoda.
"I have a feeling they are his," - I said.
Copo wasn't so sure.

"What do you think is going on here?" - Copo asked.
"Hmmm, maybe he is a sushi chef and wants a picture for his new restaurant web site," - said I.
Copo laughed.
But then another thought occured to me.
"I know," I said, "yes, it must be this. He is taking a picture for his personals ad."
Now Copo looked at me like i was crazy.

I shrugged and turned away from Copo just in time to notice the swordsman walk over,grab the butterfly wings and proceed to mount them on his head. Copo and I exchanged confused looks. We watched him pose for his photo, face fierce, swords at the ready, wings ablaze. We shook our heads and turned away. When we turned back to check if they were still there, they were gone. It was only the wall of rain between us and the pagoda and it really seemed like the man with two swords and butterfly wings has dissolved into the rain. Or was he there at all?

4.29.2005

Free?

Well, i did it! I went and did it!

Sat there in my manager's office with my heart beating so fast, i thought it would jump out, and heard the words "i have decided to leave" come out of me. All of a sudden, i felt the tears well up and a huge relief came over me.... I didn't know how much weight i've been carrying around, keeping this job.

An hour later, I was sitting in my soon to be ex-office when i got a nasty message from my ex of about a year and a half ago. Something that i forgot to mention in the thrill of my excitement is that he happens to work for the department i will be freelancing for.

I personally have moved on and thought, honestly, that he moved on as well. Why did i think so? Well it could've been the not so hostile emails i've received from him, or the coffee dates that he scheduled that made it seem like we were pals. He seemed, on the surface, okay. But i guess i always knew that there was still some anger there. And guess what, it all came out in one big screaming messenger window.

"Why can't you just stay away???" It flashed "If you leave, just leave!!!"

And none of my reasons like that he won't even see me, that i will be doing work from home, that i have nothing at all to do with him at work, could help this fury.
And maybe you guys will think that i am heartless b*tch, but felt like i don't care. It is not my problem that he is there. I had to do what's good for me. For once, i did something very selfish. Something for myself...

I do feel a bit like a fool though and for some reason my stomach is acting up again. I never knew i had such a sensitive stomach! I feel like a fool mostly because i remember a recent phone call we had. I called him, for the first time. I never call him. I called because i felt that maybe he has moved on and he is ready to be friends. I called to tell him that my mom still misses him very much. I, personally, don't really like the idea but i felt like passing this onto him. God knows why. And in a way, i feel tricked.

But i am determined to not let him rain on my parade.
I am so happy i had the guts to do this. I didn't know i had that in me.

I am so amazed that you guys are reading my blog and are pulling for me. It makes me feel very special. Keep the advice coming and tell me if am wrong. I'd love to hear both, the good and the bad.

And Mr. rightwingduck, I know that as a writer, you are just supposed to write. But i haven't gotten there yet and I applaud those who did. That's amazing. I will have to set a schedule now and keep it... sigh... I read somewhere that one writer said "I only write when i am inspired. And i make sure that i am inspired every day at 6 am."

Oh and...spacemonkey...I am truly flattered. :)

4.28.2005

And so we begin

It's sunny outside. I am lucky i have a window office. I can feel the sunshine hit my back. It feels good. It brings back some delicious memories of a trip to Spain and Portugal my boyfriend and i took last summer. It reminds me of why i am doing what i am doing today. I want to be free. I want to travel the world and learn new cultures and languages. I want to write about it...
But before i can do all that, i have to get out of my day job.

If you ask any "reasonable" person, you don't just quit your stable, secure, high-paying job and become a freelancer just to pay the bills while you finally, oh god finally, get to try your hand at writing.
A "reasonable" person would tell you that you have to just schedule some time during your already freakishly busy day to do your writing. But how, i ask you, the all-knowing, always depressed, reasonable person, can i write if my mind is stuck on the office politics, latest and future review scores, and other corporate minutiae all the time.

Everybody wants a career, right? Well i just want a job. Something that pays the bills and leaves my mind free.

But of course, you get on the phone with your parents and the first thing out of them is:
"What, you'd want to leave this prestigious company? You are out of your mind. You are not the daughter we raised."

Right, so we start with some parental disownment.

And once you started there, you start doubting your self. Can i really do this?

I have always done the "reasonable thing." But, funny enough, i have never been reasonable. People think that i have done reasonable things because after i have done pretty stupid things, i actually somehow ended up with some reasonable results.

For example, i went to college to study Computer Science. Realized after the semester of crying every other night after my physics, chemistry, programming, et.al. classes that this was not for me. Paged through the school catalog with my best friend and a bottle of cheap wine and no glasses, and picked a major that "sounded fun." Well it just so happened that it was the most popular major amongst the hiring employers the year i graduated. So i landed a good job.


And so, the question still stands, as clear as that pain in my stomach that i get thinking about this step i am about to make, can I do this?

I have an offer on the table for a freelance position, only 3 months, good pay, that will allow me the flexibility i need to try my hand at writing. I have been talking to everybody and getting their advice but i have to decide and i have to decide tomorrow. And so today, i sleep on it, that is providing I can actually sleep with all this mess in my head.